My friend once told me that “sometimes everything has to fall apart to come together”.
And that's exactly what happened last September. I hit rock bottom and it was a gift.
I just didn’t know it at the time.
I had already been through a lot but I had been doggy paddling in quicksand for the last 3 years and I was finally having a much needed nervous breakdown.
I just didn’t know it at the time.
See, anything that had to do with human connection was failing me. My relationships were almost all broken: my marriage, my so-called new friendships, my family, my community. I was even failing myself. All I could count on were my kids, my dog and my inner critic.
That inner critic though. That voice sounded so familiar. How could it be wrong?
“You’re married, but you’re a mistake of a wife. Your poor husband.
You’re a mom, but you’re no role model. This isn’t fair for your kids.
Your poor parents still have a problem child. That’s embarrassing.
Your sister still finds you annoying. Just ask her.
The only real friend you have deserves better.
You may be pretty but you’re dumb.
Actually, you’re not even that pretty.”
It was relentless… and well practiced.
So I did everything I could to prove it wrong:
Over achieving. Over volunteering. Saying yes to everything.
I worked out even if I was sick and I was overly disciplined with my own nutrition.
I wore a busy badge like it validated me and ran to the rescue for anyone.
I looked to botox and fillers to hide my worry lines and give me a poker face.
I’d become a master of putting on a smile and a cute outfit and just carrying on as if I was living the dream. Because really, on paper it sure looked like I was.
I had, as they say, “no right to complain”
And I picked my poison in what down time I had. Alcohol did a great job at turning the volume down on that inner critic.. sorta. But the good news was that I didn’t drink every day. I’d even gone 6 months without drinking at all, so clearly I was fine, right? Sure, maybe I went overboard at the party once in a while, but I was a nutritionist and I specialized in gut health so I knew how it all worked (and didn’t work). There was no denying it, alcohol made me feel like everything was fine because none of it actually mattered.
But it did matter. And I was hurting.
Not surprisingly, alcohol was lying. Yeah, maybe it kicked my problems out of my head for a while but those problems were outside doing push ups waiting to come back in a few hours…and I was going dark. Real dark.
I just didn’t know it at the time.
I can’t exactly explain what the final straw was, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t write it down here if I could, but like a festering boil on my psyche, it all popped. I was done.
“They would all be better without me. It would be hard at first, but ultimately it would be best if I just disappeared and was replaced by someone better. Whoever it was, she’d be better. Anyone would be better.”
The inner critic had won.
And so it happened. Absolute rock bottom.
What a gift…
I’m going to gloss right over the play by play. It’s not useful or productive here. But here’s what I’ll share:
I ended up in the hospital with my husband at my side. I had a couple friends on standby and daughters waiting back home.
And I was assigned a security guard that I will never forget.
Sadly, there were conversations, nurses and doctors. And when they pulled my husband aside to talk about me without me, my security guard walked in my lonely room with kindness.
He wanted to tell me that one year ago he was in the same spot I was. He told me I was ok. He told me it would get better. And he told me it could actually be the beginning of a great story. Because that’s how it went for him. It was literally up to me.
He was so right. I wish I could show him.
The next morning, I was home in bed cuddling with my husband and my daughter. No one had to say anything. We just watched movies and let the day go by. The heaviness was there but it was ok for now.
My standbys made sure I knew they loved me.
And I remembered who to go to for help (thank you Fletcher).
And very quickly, I made some rules.
Alcohol and I were done. I couldn’t problem-solve with a liar at the table. Time to lean on sobriety, 12 steps and real friends. And it was time to let go of those “so-called new friends”.
I also put up real boundaries.. And a lot of them. That inner critic sounded exactly like some people close to me and I couldn’t afford that anymore. Bye Felicia.
No more volunteering just for the street cred. I wasn't fooling anyone. No more seeking validation or trying to make myself important.
It was time to show up for me; my kids and husband would ultimately benefit. No more running to the rescue for anyone but myself.. At least for a while. Time for absolute and unapologetic focus. I am the priority.
Also, I gave underachieving a test drive to see what would happen. It was delightful by the way.
And it was about damn time to stop unnecessarily stressing over the hundreds of things that aren’t worth it. So what if I run late or cancel? Let’s let someone else be the void-filling problem solver. It was surprising how many times I voluntarily went into high-stress mode over something that didn’t deserve it.
Oh and finally understanding that there is no controlling or even knowing what anyone truly thinks was like setting down a bag of bricks. They weren’t worth it, it wasn’t working and that whole thing was feeding my inner critic.
The way I see it now, I wasn’t entirely wrong that night.. Part of me needed to die.
Only part though. And, thankfully, it did.
Good riddance.
So here I am one year later with the word “abundance” bouncing around my entire life like a freaking unicorn.
As soon as I had set those rules into motion, opportunities immediately met my readiness. Absolute and unapologetic focus looked good on me. The good things were rolling in:
A birthday.
A retreat.
A resignation.
An acquisition.
A new role.
A new business.
A new perspective.
A new emotional IQ.
A healthy set of boundaries.
An unshakable sense of confidence, humility and resolve.
And an abundance of gratitude.
An entire year without alcohol and more on the way…
At this point, I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m ok. I know in my soul that I am a good wife, a good mom and a good daughter. Good enough. But even more so, I enjoy being me. I’m also proud.
I’m a smart business owner and a wise nutritionist. I’m also pretty normal. I promise you I will make mistakes but I will also have more successes. I also know that I’m really enjoying the ride. The ups and downs aren’t life or death, black or white or even pass or fail anymore. They come with views and learnings.
What’s even more lovely is that I get to show up for other people again. Every day I go to the clinic, I work with patients all over the spectrum of wellness, self care and well, normalcy. I get to celebrate wins and push for challenges and goals. I get to collaborate with the greatest people I have ever worked with and I get to contribute to an organization I wanted to be a part of for 3 years before I started. But possibly the best part is that I get to offer a new perspective to the occasional “rock bottom” that comes in my office…because now I know with total certainty that rock bottom could be the beginning of something great. Just ask my security guard if you find him.
And that's the thing. That nervous breakdown was one of the greatest gifts I could have ever given myself. Because you see, every one of the stumbles and trips that landed me at that rock bottom…they all taught me everything I needed to know to rise, shine and succeed.
I just didn’t know it at the time.… But I sure do now.
If you or someone you know needs to talk, the 988 Lifeline is available.
The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers free, confidential, and 24/7 support for those facing mental health challenges, emotional distress, substance use concerns, or suicidal thoughts. Compassionate, trained counselors are available to provide guidance, ensuring that no one has to navigate these difficulties alone.
You can call or text 988 for immediate assistance, chat with a counselor at https://chat.988lifeline.org or visit https://988lifeline.org for more resources.
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